It's ok I promise

Its taking me a while to really get into the groove of blogging, not to mention my laptop is currently cracked all to shit. I'm borrowing one to type this on. I have a two year old that's using the back of my chair as a catapult into some sort of bullshit I'll have to hear about and clean up later. I just gave birth about eleven days ago, so my vagina feels like its about to fall off or out of my body, I'm not sure which. That's something they forgot to mention the post op, my first born was a C-section. I want to get into my birth stories for you guys but I feel like that's another topic for another day. What I want to talk about is something that's kind of hard to admit, and it's why I feel like it should be discussed. I tend to joss around when coming full circle to a topic but hear me out on this, I think you'll either think I'm insane ( I'm not but I am close to it) or you'll be like holy shit...this is me. 

My daughter has entered the terrible twos and its beyond irritating, so our decision to have another one at this time was stupid, maybe smart in the long run, but majorly stupid right now. She literally doesn't understand what's going on around her, and her little world has been flipped upside down. I am so guilty because I made this little girl my universe. No joke. She was my world, and still is my world. When my husband and I got married we talked about what we wanted in our marriage and in life and the one thing he asked was if I was able to, he wanted two children. I agreed. Dumb. I'm older, and I decided I wasn't having kids past 35, I am 33 now, so this was something that had to happen now or never. So now I have a excited and confused toddler that gets on my last nerve with her fake crying and her super power of never actually listening to anything we say or tell her not to do. Seriously she is an evil genius sent to me from a higher power to make me loose my mind, and then reverts back to the angelic strawberry blonde cherub with bright blue eyes as big as comets and tells you she loves you, and means it. I stand with zero confidence at what I'm doing, and crying for days after we came home with our son convinced I had ruined her life and in so doing so ruined our sons life. I also missed my daughter. I spent 3 days away from her in the hospital and on top of that she didn't get mommy to herself, mommy was nursing a newborn and those first 2 days were a nightmare. I miss her now, I miss smelling her curls at night and cuddling with her uninterrupted. She doesn't sleep like a normal kid, she hates sleep, I think shes allergic to it. But last night for the first time she slept in her bed. I cried myself to sleep. I am annoyed by her and I miss her. I want to be with her but I also want to put a muzzle on her, and shake he for not listening. I feel like I traded her in for a younger model almost and I hate the way it feels. I almost want to give up breastfeeding just so it doesn't take up so much of my time, but he's doing so great with it I won't stop. I've already given up one feeding time to my husband at night so I can bathe and cuddle with her, and I just pump before bed. 

To me this was a harsh reality I wasn't prepared to face having a second child, people told me it would hard, but they would do so tongue in cheek and make me want to punch them. "you think one is hard, wait till you have the other one, har har har" *mental throat punch* I get it, I knew it wasn't going to be easy. I knew that going into having my first one at 31, and still being scared shitless. I was a big part of the "no kids club" for so many years that I read just about every baby and parenting book I could find, because I legit had no fucking idea what I was doing, it should be noted here that I still don't. So, this whole feeling of loss at my old life, this life I had built with just me, my husband and my little girl was kick to the gut. I wanted to feel like my family was whole not fractured, and IT's a little bit of both. My son is a completely different baby than my daughter was, for once thing he actually sleeps. But he's a more content on his own kind of baby. I realize this probably has more to do with my confidence with a newborn than anything, because with my daughter I never let her out of my sight and she slept in my arms for pretty much the first month. With him I know he's ok in his bassinet or pack n play and I can check on him periodically. So because of my fear as a first time mom, I created my daughters dependency on me, and I realize now that I don't have the same amount of time that this wasn't fair to do, especially if we knew we were going to have another one. 

She's little and frustrated and I can't always help her, she doesn't understand and she thinks mommy can fix everything. IT almost feels like i don't get the best parts of her anymore. I get the whining and the fake crying and the oh you're trying to update your resume mom? no no I'm going to cry at your feet till you pick me up, why? my crayon broke in half. Then I'm going to go to dad curl up with him and eat crackers, be silent as a whisper and fall asleep. What bullshit is this? I gave you life kid, be nice to me. Give me the good stuff. 

I don't think I'm completely alone in how I feel, at least I hope not. I mean we love our kids good and bad. But I don't think we know how emotions are going to play out after birth. It's not something that we as a society really talk about, it's used as a universal baby blues and lumped together in one of those things that "just happens" you'll get over it. But I feel like we need to talk about it, maybe moms won't feel so alone and burdened if they knew that it was ok to grieve for the past and the life you had. Maybe even let yourself regret some. I know when my daughter was born there were times when she wouldn't sleep AT ALL, that I missed my old life. I would never give her up or trade that life for this one, but when you're tired and running on fumes, you remember a time when your responsibilities  were literally just going to work. I don't think feeling this way makes me a bad person, or even a bad mom. I think when you can own how you feel then you can push past it, and focus on the best parts of being a parent.  if you are anything like me you'll be awkward at it, maybe even horrible at it. I think that's ok too.